i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
