haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
