she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize