Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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