feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
