I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
