My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
