I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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