the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
