Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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