Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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