just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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