opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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