it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
