take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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