I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
