4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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