just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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