why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
