i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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