a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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