are you so shy because you have an std?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Found the puke drawer
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
