the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
