Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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