There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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