biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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