not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So much Jack, so little girl.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
