i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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