life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
