Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
