I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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