Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't deserve a penis
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
