i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
