the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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