I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
