where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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