does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
