Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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