We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
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Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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