I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
