Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Everything about him screamed your future.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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