I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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