yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
