I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
