just tell him i said nine months
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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