I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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