STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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