i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize