Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dicks are not precious.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
