end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
well you can't waste a boner
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
