Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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