Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
