Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
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We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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