found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
