Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
