I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
