woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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